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See Flo in a new national American Express commercial, airing now!
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PARODY JUSTICE BY FLO VINGER

The GAY MAN responsible for the Olympic Ring light mishap says " he's very sorry for the mistake". A rehearsal tape shows what the final light show was supposed to look like.

more.........

Flo Vinger's thoughts on Vaginal Rejuvenation Surgery... rated PG 13.

SNOWFLAKES
by Flo Vinger

I didn't know I was supposed to be self-conscience about my vagina until everyone else started talking about it… that universal soggy box area, not MY personal vag.  I've been so worried how my face looks and that my boob’s are too small, I forgot all about the lookie of the cookie!  Until, I was reminded, over and over.

 

Vaginal Reconstructive Surgery is now the special on menu ladies or as they call it, “Vaginal Rejuvenation”… as if it were feeling sleepy.  The down below is on the rise.  I thought that was the reason we wore pants… that was the one thing, the one thing my fellow felines, we did not have to worry about!  I blame the Internet.  Now that every Tom, Dick and Clit has found an audience, we are forced to compare juice boxes.  I was perfectly fine not knowing that some ladies lips are so floppy they can pull them under their feet and go downhill skiing.  Let’s also discuss the vast variety of colour, shapes and sizes; from a fava bean to a coffee bean.  The hair pie also has personalities.  That’s right, you heard me… some beavers are aggressive and social, others are shy and burry their head in the bushes. These little nuggets need a gentler approach and more navigating before you stick your pole into the mountaintop.  Don't even get me started on hair.  I think there is someone writing a novel about that… a trilogy even.  Truly, I wish I didn’t know this much.

 

The billion-dollar beauty industry is now in the clit-trillion because of this new, coerced insecurity.  Who is making these judgment calls anyway?  Is there a "Clam" PI unit that forces you to rip down your pants, spread your lady hood and squat to see how many inches your beef curtains hang?  Do they measure the depth of your love canal to see if you are too shallow?  I'm sorry... I am so sorry... what ever happened to the beauty of uniqueness?  Also, the fact that if you are lucky enough to be in the position to actually SEE my love muffin, the lights will be so dim that you couldn’t pick my cooter out of a line up (I’m all about lighting).

 

For Heavens Mercy, what the F happened to love?!  I love you so much that I accept you for who you are.  I love that you are different and don't have surgery scars that numb your lasagna (causing many cases of lock jaw do to the pursuit of avoiding the feelings of inadequacy related to the inability to please your lover).  Plus… I mean… hello!  The finger warmer is designed to have a friggin’ 14 inch melon headed baby pop out of there!  Isn't it supposed to be able to stretch?  When a kitty is not giving birth, is it not simply in recoil mode?  Like a crouching cougar ready to pounce?

 

Don't get me wrong… I'm not living on Venus, trying to sprinkle fairy dust or time warp back to the wake and bake 70's.  If we are gettin’ it on, the only thing I'm going to be high on is the fact that; the way you tell a story makes me smile, you smell yummy, you laugh at my jokes and think I am the smartest person in the room… even though we both know the guy next to us who invented the Sham Wow is far superior.  I definitely have qualities in a partner I like and things I don't.  I reserve the right to not get naughty with what I consider gaudy but… but!…  I would never want anyone to feel forced to change because they feel inadequate - some other twat showed her twat and it didn't look like your twat.  Say what?!  So what!  The shape, size and choreography of your flower is not, not going to make you a more lovable, caring person, more graceful in the sack, better mother, daughter or sister, more talented or a smarter boss.  If someone is not going to be with you because your meat mound may resemble a pile of spaghetti, cluster of oysters or stage curtains at Carnegie Hall, then they simply ‘ant worth it any way. 

 

There is a tongue for every snowflake.

 

©2014 FloVinger.com

 

 


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